Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Mom said you looked used
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize