I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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