She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
