Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
