hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
