you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
