I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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