This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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