I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
