I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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