her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
