My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
