The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
