i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
