he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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