I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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