So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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