so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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