If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
