Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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