my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I love how my cats smell like pot.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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