Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
