Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
