I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
