we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize