I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
