I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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