Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
