If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
