your parents love me but you hate me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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