I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize