don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize