I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
