Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
