just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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