Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
