Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
