I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
