It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
