It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
