If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize