so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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