there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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