i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
