I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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