ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
