What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
