my phone needs a breathalizer
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
