I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
