it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
4 words: hood of his car
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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