he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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