I wish I could teleport
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
smell my finger.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
