I think I won the penis lottery.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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