Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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