Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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