The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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