I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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