you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
