I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Pooping to opera.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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