Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
