can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize