I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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