just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
