Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
