the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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